Sunday, November 11, 2012

My Happy Little Life

I seem to be one of those people who lives in a state of constant chaos. When there is no chaos to be had, I find a way to create some myself. I realize that about myself. Unfortunately, I am helpless to fix this relatively minor flaw in my personality. Were I still a carefree, single gal in my late twenties or early thirties, this liekly wouldn't even be an issue - for anyone else let alone myself. But I am no longer a spring chicken doing her own thing. Nope. Not me. I am now a wife and a mother of two young boys (and possibly soon to be my niece as well - though that little piece of chaos is still... well... up in the air). I have been somewhat moping around for the last few weeks - not really comfortable in my own skin, but not really uncomfortable either. I have had job envy a little when I see people doing things that I know I would be super awesome at or super passionate about. I have had car envy in that I long for a vehicle that I don't have to squeeze my little chickens into during daycare rush traffic just so the more mobile one doesn't dart out into traffic while I'd trying to buckle the littler one in. For once, I actually don't have house envy because I love our house - though I hate sweeping the hardwood floors. I think I may have had life envy for a little while until I started looking back over the photos I have posted over the last few years. I realized tonight that I have it pretty good. I have a husband who I absolutely adore - even though he can be quite the curmudgeon on occasion. I have one little monkey who is my whole heart and light and makes me just beam with pride every friggin' second of the day. And I have one little chunky onion headed duckie who can most definitely aggravate me when he refuses to sleep (like ever) but can also make me laugh out loud with his little antics and giggles. I look back at my photos and relive the memories I've made with my family these last few years and I realize that in every photo I see, I can remember my utter joy in the moment. I recall watching Warren paint more of himself than his paper when he was about a year and a half old and I crack up thinking about how long it took me to clean the paint out of his ears. I see photos of my engagement to Evan and I remember just how many laughs we've had with (and at) each other, and I recall with warm fondness all the times we've snuggled together and talked about our future together. I see all of this and I remember I am happy - even without the chaos, though I'll never completely convince my brain that I don't need the chaos. I don't see that in a lot of other people's photos. I see poses and fake smiles. I see people winging it, trying desperately to convince others that their lives are perfect. Maybe it's because I know their back stories and know the real turmoil that are being covered up in the ski lift photos with the family or the debutante ball for the deb-that-shouldn't-have (is that mean and catty of me?). I see niceties and pleasantries, but not real joy and definitely not real happiness. When I really stop and think, even though there are days when my life may seem like utter chaos to the world outside, it's perfectly perfect to me. So for the first time in a few weeks, my skin seems to be perfectly comfortable again. Maybe that means tomorrow will be a rearrange the closets kind of day! Yeah... that'll do the trick... shake up the closets a bit!

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